Cursed · Melodies

I hate that something so stupid is so important to me.

I don't know what to do.

I feel that if I give this up I will be losing another part of myself.

I've done enough of that lately, I hate to be melodramatic, but I can't help it.

I don't feel as though I can pull myself out of it.

i don't feel as though I want to.

I have my real lotion again. The kind that actually helps. And I have new stuff for problem spots. I really like having almost real skin, hopefully I'll not slack on putting the lotion on.

I'm going to start a schedule up soon. I want to get up and run for a bit and set away some solid time for working on my city and on cleaning my room, its a little more than trashed right now. I also want to paint and practice ye olde clarinet a bit. We'll see how it goes.

Katelyn is my lifesaver. I have books and like underwear and stuff. Because i packed in an hour and was exhausted so i forgot like...everything. So <3 yay Katelyn. Its going to be weird not having her behind me for three weeks. I'm sure we'll get by though.

<3

( Test )
TESTING!

So i'm home fo the weekend. I was really looking forward to hanging out with scott actually. He left again though, (With jeff. sigh) without saying anything to me. I mean. i know i can't expect him to want to hang out with me to go do fun stuff with his friends, but...i mean we've done that before...I dunno. -shrug- -pouts-

I just realized that whenever I change my top friends, i always feel like it means something. I don't know if it does, but I don't know if it doesn't. I need new pictures. As much as I love myself dressed in a bikini top and a pink gauzy scarf tied around my head like some kind of weird guerrilla warfare eighties punk, I think I need something else.

I really like making new friends, no matter how slow the process is, I tend to meet a person every very so often, but they turn out to be a part of me that I was missing. Chelsey, Stephanie, Andrea. I've made three new friends here at college, but thats how I like it. I like small numbers of friends that mean a lot to me.

On the other hand, I want to meet a guy at a party and kiss him. I want to kiss someone. I miss it. It goes against my theory of really wanting to kiss like I mean it every time I kiss someone. But even if it wouldn't mean a lot in the traditional sense, it would still mean something to me.

I don't like where I am. I don't like this stage. I wish I could skip it. I want to hit fast forward and clock out but I can't.

I just want to have a photoshoot to test out the lighting in our apartment, but I can't because No that would be promoting unfocused behavior. So instead I sit in front of the dumbass fucking computer.

I am a fucking disease. A rancid pile of procrastination who has strange dreams that don't make any sense and who is pissed that she can't remember any of them during the week when she wakes up because alarms ruin it for her.

I'm scared that my life is going to go according to my current plan because I don't have the fucking balls to do anything about it ever. And I know I'm young, i wish people would stop fucking telling me that.

I fucking hate emo bands that I secretly love because they always make me feel shitty.

I have this problem with being....bizarre. I'm like a nutcase and its like...whatever. I'm so disapointed in myself its hard to think about anything else. Its really just hard to think about anything. To care about anything. I really hate school. I hate the thought of going back to it. But I have to. I know I have to. I know I need to go and work harder than I ever have in school before. And that thought doesn't sit well with me.

So. Melancholy.

Its like the complete opposite of desire and motivation smacked me like a train and settled into my body like a fatal disease. Its like I'm decaying from the inside out.

Atrophy of the spirit.

I don't even know if me moving tomorrow has really settled in. It still feels like I have weeks, except for one little fact.

Deranged Obsession

He didn't come over today. How long will it be till I see him again? How long will it drive me crazy? How crazy am I that it drives me at all? He has been an awkward sickness that has infected me all summer. "I've got a fever, and the only prescription is more..." of his mouth touching mine. Any at all would be fine.

Words that cut.

I'm sorry that I get defensive when I feel hurt. I'm not sorry that I sound like I'm angry with you, because I am. I'm more sorry that I can't stick up for myself better. I know that I haven't done everything I said I would this summer. I don't even remember what I said those things would be. Party? I've discovered that alcohol makes me sick. Don't talk to me about tolerance. Or what I wear. I like velvet, I like leggings when they're tasteful and in a not scene context. And I like my t-shirts.

Revelations.

I get struck by revelations a lot. Too bad they are always the same. I always forget what I discover about myself. I reset myself after every high and low. Right now, I don't like who I am 90% of the time. Liking where I am in life is holding on by threads of woven, brittle, hair. I do not know how to change. I say fuck it and give up and stay the same. I forget that I care. And then this starts all over again. I'm cyclical. A wheel of disgust and sloth and hostility and a hundred other things. I hate hating life. But it really displeases me sometimes. I don't like to hate myself, but I don't know how to fix myself so I stop cracking apart.

Scrub. Rinse. And repeat.

I have a problem with change. It eats away at me until it happens and then I'm fine. I have a feel that's what is happening right now. But whatever. I give up. (Like usual)

Quit.

I was cranky earlier, but I'm okayish now. The grateful dead and ramen noodles and really mellow me out.

If I ever got lyrics tattooed to my body, it would be these:

"Lost in fog and love, and faith was fear
I've had kisses that make Judas seem sincere."
Comments? Concerns?

The wallpaper base pattern would look like the top two left or the bottom right. About. But be faded and like a purplish color with an off white for the design.
http://www.keepdesigning.com/wp-content/uploads/2008/02/vintage-vector-pattern-samples.jpg

I realize the lyrics don't really match the background...but whatever. I probably won't get lyrics tattooed on me, so it doesn't matter.

Oh and Schedule for this semester if I get the right chem class is:

Monday:
9-10 Chem Discussion
11-12 Art 101
12-2 Band (Run fast!)
4-7 Chem lab. (Ew)

Tuesday:
8-9 Chem Lecture (ewew)
11:30-12:30 Belly Dancing
2-5 Art (Foundations in 3D)
6-7:30 Anatomy

Wednesday:
8-9 Chemistry lecture
11-12 Art 101
12-2 Band
2-3 Art Discussion. (Cramped day!)

Thursday:
8-9 Chem Lecture (ewew)
11:30-12:30 Belly Dancing
2-5 Art (Foundations in 3D)
6-7:30 Anatomy

Friday:
Nothing!

Life is a game and we don't know the fucking rules. Ever.
If that isn't the most over used analogy ever, I don't know what is. But Its over used for a reason. Its pretty true.

I'm not in a particularly bad spot or anything. I'm not angry about anything, i'm actually in a pretty good mood cause i just got into my belly dancing class.

I have to clean my room right now. Eh. Don't really want too but its also the first step in starting to pack. Also something I don't want to do. However, not even text based or the thought of Buffy seems to entertain me right now, so I may as well do something.

Mehh.

Bored with life.

Your result for The Steampunk Style Test...

The Ragamuffin

36% Elegant, 31% Technological, 17% Historical, 36% Adventurous and 71% Playful!

Take The Steampunk Style Test at HelloQuizzy

I am now of to the Chicago-Land. Well I will be in like an hour or so. I really need to finish packing and stuff. And I haven't decided which book to take with me yet. I think I'll just stick with WoT to get it out of the way. I loaded up the zen machine with Anime. I have drawing to do. So I think I should be good for traveling entertainment.

When i get home I've made it my goal to super-clean my room. Its starting to drive me insane.

So anyways. I have all my clothes picked out, but that's pretty much as far as I've gotten with packing, so I should go finish that.

Loves and kisses. I'll miss you kids.

that last entry was depressing me just by having it around so close to the top.

Totally went out and about with Scott last night. Hung out at the car hang-outs got taco bell. Rode in Jeff's black Supra with him. (Fucking a. omgwtf lovely)

I got some pretty royally shitty sleep last night, but whatever. Still in a preposterously good mood.

Oh and i got my hair done yesterday. So double awesome. And I was wearing a pair of my new plaid bermuda shorts and a jean suit-vest thing. So apparently my day was triple-awesome.

Booyah.

Stacy sucks.
<3